Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Every day challenges.......

Once again I could sit here and type all day long. Thank god I don't have that kind of time on my hands.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about all the things that have happened in my last year. A few words came to mind right away. Wow and holy shit to be exact. My mother had a stroke, I changed jobs, my daughter all of a sudden became a little lady, my son became the coolest little guy ever, my father had the hardest time of his life, my sister is finally prego and due in a few weeks, I met a guy I love and have no idea where the hell he is now, I lost and gained some of the best friends I have ever had, and these are just a few of the major events.

What I am most proud of is that I made it through all of the bad and actually enjoyed all of the good. I am so thankful to have such strong faith in myself and my family as well as God to be able to be strong enough to handle whatever life has thrown my way. In the last year I have learned so many life lessons that have shaped me into such a better person.

Now I can't help but think of all the things that are just surfacing for the next chapter of my life. My biggest concern is my children's father. He has been a non-factor in our lives for about a year and a half now and all of a sudden I am scared for the first time ever that he will be disrupting our every day lives. That sounds horrible but we have done so well and I have not had to share my kids for so long now. I know that isn't fair and he deserves to gain the love that I have from the kids but he chose to leave them so shouldn't he suffer from that choice or has he already suffered enough? I have been shielding them for so long now and protecting them from the hurt how in the world do I let him back in and open up that door for the possibility of him leaving them again.

I try to think of all the good things that could come out of it but the bad things of the past just keep clouding my vision. I don't know why though because my father left us as kids and then came back so I should have all the faith that things could work. I guess it is just that mothers watchful eye that won't let me rule out the possibility that he has not changed and will repeat his past. He was a great father in the past when he was around. I know he loves the kids. I see how happy the kids have been lately just from hearing from him. I guess everyone deserves a second chance in life right. Some people even a third.

Who knows maybe this will open a door for me to stop being so over protective of my kids and focus a little more on myself as well. I guess we shall see soon enough.